I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
