i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
