His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
