Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
