Can i not drive my cunt home
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
