i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize