What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
