I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
How does one acquire holy water?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
