Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
