A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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