I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
