also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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