Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
