it's too hot outside to masturbate.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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