So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
