you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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