Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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