Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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