...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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