im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
