I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
