The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
