Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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