hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I faked an abortion last night.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
