I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
