I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
