When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
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