it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
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