getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
