I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize