The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
