Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize