Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
