if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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