So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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