you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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