did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
