Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
