he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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