im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize