My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
