I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
