my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
