so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
