When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
