haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
