Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize