So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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