Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
