If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize