I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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