Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
