I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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