That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
