Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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