now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
