Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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