You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
