youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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